Following a public outcry about the CCPD decision to stop making the police blotter available on their website, the department recently declared it would make the blotter electronically available through publications like this one. We applaud our officers for their commitment to transparency in a city where so many citizens are devoted to disguising their true identities.

Usual Disturbance
A man noticed several parties get out of their vehicles, engage in what appeared to be a fight, and then leave. When asked how he knew it was a fight, he replied that he saw fists and feet fly, somebody punched the road and made the car alarms go off, and half the people involved seemed to be wearing masks or spandex. No evidence of damage, other than a large crack in the pavement, was found.

Duck, Boaters!
An extremely oversized rubber ducky struck a dock used by several recreational boaters. No one was hurt, but the rubber ducky sunk a sailboat belonging to a woman who described herself as important and connected to lawyers who could sue the city. She was advised that a file on this incident had been opened and the owner of the rubber ducky would be ticketed if found.

Time Travel Blamed Again
A naked man apprehended in the Parkside neighborhood blamed time travel for his lack of clothing. Stating that he had been propelled into the past, he claimed the force of this journey had separated him from his pants. The arresting officer reminded him that time travel is not considered a reasonable excuse for violating public decency statues, unlike the annual Solstice Nude Sunrise Greeting.