With cold and flu season around the corner, Cape and Cowl Magazine has approached noted virologist and mass-murderer Nicodemus Candledark to field a few reader questions.

Q:

There seems to be a lot of conflicting and confusing information on the subject of vaccines and their link to Autism. Who do I believe?

Candledark:

I’d like to suggest that if you’re looking at the one discredited study linking vaccines to Autism and weighing it against every other doctor’s insistence that there is absolutely no link, and then turning to a man known worldwide for killing people with engineered viruses for some kind of support, that you’ve already made up your mind. You’re merely looking for support for your own bad decision. Secondly, you are unfit parent. Vaccinate your children. Third, I lost track of several of my dormant genetic experiments before my current incarceration, so if you truly want to be safe, I suggest you stay away from “free range chicken” for the next five-six years until the for-now-dormant Sangrange-11 virus mutates to something that doesn’t cause blindness and explosive anal leakage.

Q:

How effective is hand-sanitizer, really?

Candledark:

Let’s say that any contaminated surface you touch has, conservatively, 1,000 microbes on it. Keep in mind, the number is likely much higher and on surfaces you would never suspect. The best sanitizer I have ever encountered is only 99.9% effective. So that’s at least one microbe that’s getting through. And it’s going to be the toughest of the bunch. He’s angry because you killed all his friends. He knows where you live. He lives where you live. And he only needs to get you once. Just once. And you’re sick. I tell you, sparky, you better bet that on that day it’s just some dumb cold or flu virus and not something I cooked up when I was out of my mind on peyote and ignoring every single safety protocol.

Q:

Are you single? I’m a professional woman in the prime of life who likes pink wine, southern rock, and true crime TV. I also love the scientific bad-boy type.

Candledark:

Yes, I am single. And though I have rocked out to some Gov’t Mule in my time, my current legal situation coupled with the fact that I am more contagious than the abattoir floor in a third world field hospital during a plague makes long-term relationships difficult. Might I suggest loving yourself first. And if that fails, try the Alibi Room in Karlsburg. You should be able to find a scientific bad-boy or someone pretending to be one without too much difficulty. Throw a rock in this blighted city and you’ll hit one. So by all means, throw it hard.